One of the key emotional intelligence skills we need to develop when wanting to become a better communicator, is the ability to listen better. Active listening is something the majority of us have difficulty with, and thus a common undeveloped skill in most of society from all walks of life.
Learning to listen effectively is a two way street which is a learned process, a process anyone can learn through mindful practice and awareness.
It’s known you will usually gain more information and learn more through listening, rather than from excessively talking too much.
Are You Hearing Or Listening
There is a distinct difference between hearing someone talk, and actually listening to what they are saying.
Hearing is the actual physical dimension of the sound waves that strikes your ear, and the brain processes and translates that sound into meaningful information.
Listening involves a lot more than just the hearing process. Listening incorporates paying actual attention, then focusing and interpreting with the intention of responding appropriately.
The Need To Be Understood
One of the most basic of human needs, is we want to be fully understood what we’re attempting to communicate, without misinterpretation.
The best way is to communicate effectively and efficiently, and hope you are understood by the person listening to you.
The hope is that your voice is also concise and entertaining enough, to hold their attention and interest.
Once someone feels you’ve listened to them and they got the message across to you, you will then gain their respect. They will value and give you the credibility to speak to them in return.
Consider the feeling when you sense someone is really listening to what you have to say. You feel great, you feel understood, you feel connected to that person who is listening.
What’s appreciated is the fact they’re actually interested in what you have to say, which results in you feeling better about yourself and that person.
The Importance Of Listening Is The Ability To Attend
Attending is the process, a skill where you focus on the message of what the person is saying, while filtering out everything that is distracting to you.
It’s the ability to focus on what that one person is saying, and ignoring everything else happening around the both of you.
It’s often been said, “History tends to repeat itself.” The reason is because when it happened the first time, most likely not everyone was listening.
Once you look around and pay attention, you will notice history really does repeat itself. So always listen, watch and observe in your home or workplace.
Stop Talking When I’m Interrupting
One of the biggest barriers of “attending,” is the instinct of us wanting to respond back. We are not truly listening, because we’re planning on what we’re going to say back to them.
This natural desire to talk is so strong while the other person is speaking, we actually block out what they’re saying, while waiting for the opportunity to talk.
Our attention span goes from that person making noise out of their mouth, to our own thoughts, as we nod with a glazed look in our eyes.
Although we appear to be attentive and interested, we are easily distracted by our thoughts or something else happening simultaneously, as we can’t truly multitask.
Sorry What Did You Just Say?
This is the point where you are “hearing” what the other person is saying, but not truly “listening” to what they’re saying. It happens to all of us.
Our limited attention span has drifted off onto other thoughts, and is no longer intent or interested in precisely understanding or responding.
True listening and absorbing is a skill we can learn and practice, as the mind actually functions and interprets information seven times faster than we can speak.
The mind needs to slow down, focus and listen to what the person is actually saying, the meaning behind the words, and not pay attention to our irrelevant thoughts.
The Questioning And Listening Principle
One of the key principles when it comes to the power of listening, is how to build rapport and connect with people.
To give them the respect when they are speaking, as you would want the same respect in return.
One way to prove to them you are a great listener, is to ask them a series of questions one on one, which should be thought provoking personal questions.
Ask the questions one after another and listen to their response. Take note of how precise the answers are. The more precise the more focused they are.
Allow them to answer the questions however long it takes, and resist the urge to jump in with own response or comment.
The other person might even say, “This is one of the best conversations I’ve had in a while,” because they’re doing all the talking and you’re concisely listening.
Ask And You Shall Receive
Not only will the questions give you a greater understanding of that person, but by you actively listening to them without interrupting, you both have experienced a better sense of connection.
The key lesson is to make sure you ask more questions than the person you’re conversing with, while learning to intently listen more than you speak.
Take a moment to think about a series of questions you could ask so you can practice active listening, and then resist the urge to speak on impulse.
Whenever you get the opportunity, use these questions and experience the true power of building rapport with others, simply through the power of listening.