There are some who always needs to be right, even if they know they’re wrong. Their ego supersedes. Or they’ll start talking down to you, telling you that you’re wrong, patronize or belittle you, with a tone where you can feel your blood pressure elevating, your nervous system being triggered.
You take a few deep breathes, tell yourself to calm down since you don’t want to react badly, or get too defensive. You don’t want to elevate the situation, as that’s the exact reaction that they’re looking for from you.
Everyone at certain times needs to deal with others who are difficult, confronting. On purpose or not, they push your “hot” buttons. Don’t allow them to win. Learn and exercise advanced people handling strategies instead.
Go into stealth mode, secret skills that will deactivate their intentions, this so you can come out of the confrontation with your dignity intact.
It’s All About Them
The first thing to keep in mind whenever someone is demeaning or blaming you for something, giving you unsolicited advice you don’t need, verbally attacking you, what they’re often doing is talking about themselves and how their life situation is, and it’s not usually about you.
So before you react, decipher what they’re actually saying and repeat it back to them. You can ask them if they’ve ever experienced that situation, and they’ll just look at you with a stunned… yes.
Listen To Me
We at times need to deal with someone who just can’t shut up, they talk too much and think they know something about everything, or they have an annoying habit of interrupting you.
What you can physically do is hold your hand up to stop them, and say, “I’m not finished” or “Please don’t interrupt me or change the subject, listen to what I have to say.”
If they’re too eager or too upset, then listen them out. Or tell them that you really want to hear what they’re saying, but not until you tell them what you need to say first.
Tell Them You Don’t Need Advice
What you want to do is share or tell your side of the story, and you don’t need their advice. You can tell them up front that you have something to say, something you want off your chest.
If all you get is disagreement from the other person, then finish what you need to say by saying, “I’m not expecting you to agree with me, but listen and try to understand where I’m coming from.”
If you have something to say without feeling obligated or want to upset them, then make sure that you’re upfront with them.
Stealth Power Listening Skills
The most powerful strategy that you can use is just listen to them. So really listen to what they’re saying. Understand the words behind what they say, as sometimes it’s just a cry for help or attention.
Interpret back to them what they’ve just said, this so you can fully understand them. At times, they just acknowledging you can reduce the friction, or make them realize how ridiculous they sound.
You don’t need to agree with what they’re saying. Having good listening skills isn’t about agreeing, but more about understanding the other person’s point of view.
Stealth listening is all about understanding their perspective, and then translating back what they’ve said. Once the person feels that they’re heard and understood, then they may decide to listen to you.
Losing Control
Don’t be a control freak, as that’s one of the biggest roadblocks and misunderstandings of any relationship. This stems from our “me first” mentality, where we learn manipulative communication tactics.
Deep down, most feel that they need to manipulate others, otherwise, they’ll be manipulated themselves, this by responding defensively or passive aggressively.
Relationships shouldn’t be a constant win or lose battle, “I’m right and you’re wrong” situations. So don’t always try to control the outcome. Drop the constant judgement and the analysis, and just listen with an open mind.
Whenever someone else is speaking, empty out your mind of what you’re wanting to say, your opinion, and forget how you want to respond. Good listening skills doesn’t work when your brain is assessing, strategizing, thinking of your response beforehand.
What you’re missing is the opportunity to connect with them. They realize that they’re not being heard or understood, and will act defensively as a result. They’ll feel they’ve already lost because you’re not listening to them.
Everlasting Relationships Should Be Compatible
Any relationship, especially if it’s mismatched, has the potential of getting out of control. The two keys for any relationship to work are compatible communication and how soon disagreements are repaired.
What needs to be applied are incorporating better listening skills, while understanding and appreciating the others viewpoints while not trying to change their mindset. Then healthy long lasting bonding will take place.
During disagreements, accepting each others arguments while not competing against each other, usually trumps the disagreement along with healthy compromises being made.
Problems will arise if the mismatch between two people is just too huge, that they having major differences, values, or that one person wants to alter the thinking of the other.
So it begins with choosing your partner wisely. Know if you can have great conversations with each other, and can listen when times are bad and they’re miserable.
Look beyond the physical chemistry and the need for security, and know if you can tolerate them when they’re annoying, this during the times of argument or when they’re talking too much. The worst is if you or the other person secretly, or openly want’s them to change.