Social intelligence is a key personality trait, when it comes to our confidence. We all want to be popular, we crave to be successful. Our human mind responds to our basic primal need which is to be loved, which is hardwired into our instincts.
When it comes to our interactions however, what we’ll do is interpret every social experience critically, on autopilot.
Our brains react negatively on instinct and for precautionary reasons, when it comes to personal relationships, to avoid getting hurt or embarrassed.
We do so because of our previous experiences of being rejected socially, creating instances of misguided perceptions.
Although we may be accepted by the hip crowd, loved by our peers, included as part of the cool gang, we still view our connections cynically.
Like Me Not
This tendency is a natural evolutionary instinct. It’s forged in our brains, to avoid potential threats to our immediate livelihood.
So it’s more of a survival mechanism, the fight or flight response, once we meet new people or join a crowd.
When wanting to be accepted by others, what we naturally do is expect the worse, bad things, just so we won’t get hurt emotionally.
What doing so also does is it wreaks havoc on our self-esteem, and our perception of ourselves.
Being Part Of The Crowd
For instance, you’re out with work friends, and there’s one particular person, the chatty Susan’s of the world.
What you notice and become self-conscious about, is she talks to everyone but you.
That person doesn’t acknowledge you, completely ignores you in a cursory but obvious manner.
The first initial thought from your negative biased brain is, “this person doesn’t like me.”
This person has also got your attention, you take notice, your brain says, “I want to be included in their same group, so I won’t feel left out.”
This is how our negative thinking filter reacts, you feel threatened, left out. This is on pure instinct.
Similar to how wild animals react in the forest, we as social animals think the same way, once we face social rejection. “I’m not liked, I’m unlovable, undesirable, not cool.”
Ego Driven Thinking
What we need to do is release our ego based perspective, and view life from their point of view, by showing empathy.
Find out what they’re thinking, see it from their perspective on what they think about you.
Most likely, it’s not that the person doesn’t like you, but more they feel threatened by you, somehow.
Keep in mind their primal instincts on you, are based on negativity as well.
Their Point Of View
The inability for us to see things from the viewpoint of others, is a key feature of lacking emotional intelligence.
Then combine that with the tendency to think negatively, often about ourselves, which takes us down the path of feeling dejected.
We don’t see the salient power of our own social existence, while rejecting the notion we may be posing some type of a threat to them, simply by we being there.
This is the reason why they’re avoiding you, and it’s because they feel threatened by you.
Not Everyone Will Like You
There are some people in the world, some in your immediate social circle who just won’t like you, so they keep their distance.
Instead, what our skeptical brain makes us think is we’re weak, dumber, not as attractive, or as popular as they are.
What we don’t realize, is they’re negative biased brain is thinking the exact same thing about us, which creates a paradox.
Developing Social Intelligence
To develop higher social intelligence, we need to improve our transactional empathy towards others.
Empathy is a key aspect of emotional intelligence, where we shift from the ego based, “me,” to more of a worldview of “us” and “them.”
What doing so does is it allows us to witness ourselves, to view ourselves from their perspective, who we are and what they think of us.
This provides for a much more realistic vision, of what they’re thinking about who we are.
IQ, or intelligence quotient is what we’re born with. SI, social intelligence, is part genetics but can be learned.
Social Intelligence develops from our experiences with people, from our adventures in social settings. Some call it common sense, having tact, having “street smarts.”
How To Measure Your Social Intelligence
Perfected Verbal Conversational Skills
Those with high social intelligence, know how to tactfully work their surroundings in social settings.
They can carry on conversations with a wide range of people, appropriately and gracefully.
Know The Social Rules And Roles
Those who are socially intelligent know the social roles. They know the rules on what governs proper social interaction.
They know how to play the game, and they play it well as they come across as socially sophisticated.
Refined Listening Skills
Socially intelligent people are excellent listeners. When speaking with someone who has high social intelligence, that person walks away feeling they’ve totally connected with them.
Know What Drives People
What highly social intelligent people does is they study people. They track what others say and behave, to get a reading on what they’re thinking or feeling.
They understand emotional intelligence, and when combined with social intelligence, these highly equipped people can become dangerous.
Social Role Playing
They know how to adapt to and play different social roles, which allows them to be comfortable and converse with every type of person.
This results in they feeling extremely confident and effective, what’s known as “social self-efficacy.”
Makes A Good Impression
Those high in social intelligence, are aware of the impression they’re making, as they engage in perfecting their impression management techniques.
They balance the fine line between controlling and managing the image they portray.
They come across as being authentic, while allowing others see their true self, which is perhaps the most difficult element of high social intelligence.
Developing Social Intelligence
What it takes is effort. Start by paying more attention towards the social world that’s around you.
Work on becoming a better conversationalist, improve your communication skills, dress appropriately.
Become a better observer, learn active listening, which is a process of reflecting on what the speaker is really trying to say, to understand them better.
Study the various social situations and your behaviour. Learn and adapt from your social successes, and learn from your failures.